I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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