You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
