life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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