the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
