if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
