I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
