Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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