and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
