My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
