my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
try to milk me bitch
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