Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
