Someone shit on the floor
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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