Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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