I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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