Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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