cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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