Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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