And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
