I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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