dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
