so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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