so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
