am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
