you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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