I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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