Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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