just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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