looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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