smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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