Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
