Betty ford says i'm here all night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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