hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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