just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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