you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
