I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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