A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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