you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
