Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
