walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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