Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
