remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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