Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
