So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
