PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
