why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
