If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize