More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
