I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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