i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
