She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
