I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
