The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
