Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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