I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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