Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
