no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
