whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
