take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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