Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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