when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
