Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I want to make a zoo with you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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