I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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