anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize